Each of these stages is representative of a distinct feeling. The stages of grief may occur in various orders, and in varying degrees. Some children may experience two stages at once, or may even complete one stage and then return to it again at a later point. There is no time frame attached to the progression and resolution of these stages. It is helpful to reassure children that the feelings that they are experiencing are normal. Children need to feel safe in expressing their feelings in order to make a healthy adjustment to the separation/divorce. Children typically will experience each of the five stages of grief as they adjust to the family changes associated with separation/divorce.

The five stages of grief are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression

Dos & Don’ts for Dealing with your Children

1. Recognize that they love and need both parents.
2. Don’t turn them into messengers. (Mom and Dad should talk to each other directly).
3. Don’t say bad things or give “subtle insults” about their other parent.
4. Don’t grill them about what is going on at their other parent’s home, etc.
5. Don’t ask them to take sides.
6. Don’t make them feel like they’re being disloyal if they enjoy being with their other parent.
7. Don’t purposely forget important clothing or gear when they are going to the other parent’s place.

Your feelings about Separation and Divorce

Most people report feeling a great deal of anger at some point during or after the breakdown of their marriage.

1. It is not uncommon to direct this anger inward, sometimes becoming with drawn or depressed;
2. In other situations, a person may direct their anger outwardly, such as toward the former spouse or by being irritable to others around them;
3. It is very important that you acknowledge and appropriately channel the feelings that you have;
4. To assist yourself with the pain associated with the separation/divorce, you may need to reach out for extra emotional support from family and friends, look at participating in some leisure or community activities, or establish personal relaxation strategies;
5. It may also be necessary to seek more formal forms of assistance for your emotions, such as support groups or individual counseling services.

Your Child’s Feelings

1.  Children commonly feel intensely guilty about the separation/divorce;
2. Often children hear their parents arguing over child-related issues and therefore assume that their behavior has caused the marital conflict;
3. Also, children have a need to believe that their parents are competent in making their world safe and happy, therefore to preserve this ideal will look to themselves as the problem rather than considering that their parents incapable of resolving the situation;
4. Negative statements made by well-meaning relatives and friends, and by one parent about the other parent, are all too common in the aftermath of separation/divorce. These comments are not helpful in providing emotional support for the child;
5. Children generally feel love for both parents; therefore hearing such comments will result in a child feeling conflicted.

Even “subtle insults” about one parent can be very destructive to a child. For example, you would be making a “subtle insult” if your child returns home from a visit with The other parent and you act as if the visit never occurred, or conversely, if you ask loo many questions or make criticizing comments such as “he let you do that?” or “so no one helped you with your project?”.

Other examples of “subtle insults” would include:

1. smirks
2. rolling of the eyes
3. sighs at the mention of your child’s other parent
4. discussing your negative encounters with this parent with someone while your child is present but supposedly not listening.

A child easily personalizes such negative messages, and may conclude that if their parent is a “bad” person, then they, as an extension of this parent, must also be a “bad” person. Children need to see their parents as “good” people in order to feel good about themselves. Separation/divorce in itself will not destroy children.

Copyright 2011, Crona Airgid, Free for personal use, please do not republish.